A Purpose

To everything, turn turn, there is a season….I’ve been humming this in my head for about two days and I know what’s going on there.   Lately I have been struggling with “purpose”…..my husband and wonderful family has given me the ultimate of wonderful gifts, a time to do just what I want to do…and I am dissatisfied with it…why?  Because just lately I felt I have lacked a purpose…..

What is the purpose of painting a beautiful picture and hanging it on the wall?  It’s an expression of the soul in my humble opinion, but I often, after living the life of a paralegal question the purpose of my “soul”.   In San Pedro, while Emily was getting her deep stone massage, I was sitting at a table gazing out into the misty green blue waters and watching the distant waves and feeling that I was looking at this beautiful scenery and wondered why I had felt so dis-jointed with myself…why when everything seems to be going so well, I seem to have left kidney stones, illness, stress and problems behind me with the despair I had felt over the loss of my folks and Charlie’s Dad….but I still wondered what the heck was bothering me. 

I had a nice long conversation with Joel, a server in the restaurant that I was waiting in and it came to me in bits and pieces….I told him that (and rightfully so) the group of servers were all working together in a happy group and they had the beautiful scene right before them….what a wonderful life!  Watching them in this beautiful setting and wondering what worries they had behind the scenes….it was a passing thought but then it made me wonder at my own sardonic view point….Life can’t be just happy and expressive….People can’t always be happy.  The artist in me knows this to be true, you can’t see white without seeing black and if you look closely at anything that has white or black in them you will see shades of the opposing characters…hmmm.

So I struggle on a daily basis knowing that my past life did not fit me just right, it was a hard life even though, looking at the people and the lifestyle here in Belize, that most Belizeans would have enjoyed having the indoor plumbing, washing machines, microwaves, play stations, and cable they would probably have left that lifestyle shortly after.  My life before was hard though, it had so many people looking for me to help.  I was constantly being told what to do by my clients, by Charlie, by the kids.  They had no idea of how much my life was centered on just doing for them.  So much so that when I moved here and was told I could finally do the things I had always wanted to do I struggled with finding out me…..I was so lost with not being told that I needed to take care of someone else I had no idea how to handle it…

Here life is a struggle….you struggle to push back the jungle and keep the lawn the lawn, you struggle to get things fixed, like the plumbing or the waiting for parts or waiting for the cable to work or waiting for the internet to come back up.  You adjust to having a life where it isn’t always about the things you have or the things you want but the most basic of needs…..

I have been taking care of a little boy and I feel bad for him and his family but know that to try and help them wouldn’t help at all.  In my typical American mindset I believe that people if they want a better lifestyle should be able to work hard and get here.  There are so many forces to contend with in this world that as Americans we believe we are owed a better life just because of birth.  I look at this child and know that he is one of a family of 9, that the family knows no better and the mother keeps giving her husband what he wants because whether or not he is a good provider he is a husband and a husband has control here.  There are not enough men staying in Belize, they leave it because they think the good life is the American way…..

So, she bears 9 children and keeps the husband happy and the husband who actually is trying to make a better life is a fisherman.  The fishermen are told that they need to take the boats out only once a month even though to make ends meet the normal fisherman would go out 4 times a month.  The reasoning is that Belize counts on its tourist market and that most people come to view the sea life and the fishermen were taking that all away…..by fishing?

They live in a two room concrete box.  No indoor plumbing, no TV, no music, one child on top of the other in three small beds and a hammock.  The boys foot was further butchered by the hospital here, thinking they were doing the child a favor cut away all the dead skin thinking in their un knowledgeable way that the dead skin might hold disease instead of cleaning it well and letting it heal.  They have so little.  Yet, when I talk to the little boy he smiles at me and seems very happy.  Very adjusted to dealing with the idea that he can’t walk around for a bit.  So patient that I know as  I clean the wound with the hydrogen peroxide and see it foaming I know that he is in pain….I say to him “Richard, I am so sorry I have to hurt you” and this little 8 year old looks at me and smiles, he says “Don’t worry, Miss Brenda, tomorrow I will be better” and I feel so selfish in my thinking.

I am angry with myself because I don’t understand how to be free and to be creative and to be myself and this little boy puts it all in perspective…..it’s easy to be yourself when you set the bar at just being happy.    You don’t need internet, a deluxe washing machine, cable and lightning fast internet, you just need to be happy with what you have and what you set your goals to achieve.  I have a purpose….

Patience and me,....AGAIN!!!..

So, the one thing I promised myself is that I would be honest with myself about this blog.   And sometimes it's hard to make myself sit down and actually write what's in my head because it isn't all fun and games and yet, I know in order to be myself I have to put sometimes the bad thoughts that run through my head down.
There are things I love about Belize and on most days I would say (more now so than ever) I was happy with the move here.   You have to develop a deep sense of patience, not only with people and things but with the lifestyle itself.  Things are slow to gain here which when something finally works and works right you have a good feeling. An example would be our truck....it's had it's endless fixes being done and I blame that on the condition of the vehicle (it's 14 years old and been through some rough northern winters with salt and snow and all) Our mechanic is a cheap worker (I had a fuel pump replaced and the gas tank replaced as well and all of this cost us less than $500 Belize which is $250 US)  Most parts on the car are repaired rather than replaced because it's hard to get car parts in a third world country which makes the mechanics in this country a little more workable and not demanding of new parts every time you turn around so the cost is less and it's better on the environment.  Currently there is a short somewhere in our electrical system and no one seems to be able to find it.  It probably would take days to fix and I don't want to give up the vehicle while my daughter is visiting so I have to pick and choose.  Since this short seems to only affect the lights we have chosen to delay getting the repair done but it's still not a hardship since we rarely go out about in the night.  I have learned to deal with it.....
Another thing that I have learned to deal with is the toilet.  Initially it was a small leak that would go onto the concrete floor but eventually it's turned into a freaking river.  Charlie had tried so many times to fix it that it seems exhausting.  Finally I've noticed there is a crack in the tank and I wonder at the longevity of it.  It seems as though it had been there before but covered with epoxy.  Since we are renting I don't want to buy a brand new one to the benefit of my landlord but I know for a fact that my landlord doesn't have any money right now to do the repair.  We have been using a garden hose in the bathroom to pour water into the toilet to flush it so we don't have to deal with the water all over the floor but still, something you have to live with.

These little things do try the patience of anyone.  And it has to be put in perspective.  There were time in the states when I felt I had the patience of a saint when dealing with some of the IT issues that I had experienced in the office that would make my life "easier".   I look back at those times and just recently had an IT issue down here and I don't have the patience for it.  I ask myself why?  Why have I lost the ability to deal with the issues that I used to spend hours upon hours dealing with in the states?  Why am I so impatient with the things I used to be more patient with?  And why am I blaming the country instead of putting the blame directly on the product?
Two of my wonderful daughters came down to see us for Christmas and I thought they would enjoy it for different reasons here. Emily got up the first day and went for a walk with her father and got to see the village and the people here and even though she is shy I think she understands the community better.  Joan was bothered by the heat, it overwhelmed her.  The bugs, the broken toilet and the tiny bathroom bothered her.  The material things got to her.   Joanie was so unhappy and caught me at a time when I felt the need to tell her there were times I hate it here.  I was being honest...at that moment.......
I miss my kids terribly and would love to be closer to them to help them out when needed and it was especially hard when my eldest gifted the world with my granddaughter.  I truly wanted to be near her to help her, unlike my mother who couldn't be there for me so many times and wanted to. I wanted to hold her hands and explain things as they happened since I seem to have been an expert in bearing kids, I have done it about 5 times myself.....
I was impatient with the system here that I have to pick and choose when I can come back to the states to see the girls because we are trying to get residency here.  Residency is a benefit to us but it will try us terribly for the first year.  We are only allowed so many consecutive days to leave the country otherwise we have to start all over again with a new year of paying the monthly visa's to earn that title.  Charlie and I are trying very hard not to push the system....We are liked here in the village and we like the village a lot so far.  The people can be all that is good and bad in ANY community, here or in the states...We would like to hold out for that.
There are quite a few expats down here like us, trying for residency and we all admit there are days you want to scream "I QUIT".....
Then there are days like today...The wind is blowing nicely and all I hear outside is the birds, the wind blowing off the lagoon, the fisherman as they fix the boat.  The weather is wonderful today... The thought of the snow, coldness, wind and wetness of the states drives me to shivers...I know this is where I am meant to be...Do I want to see my girls?  Yes.  Would I love to have a ice cream sundae?  Yes.  I have to deal with what I can and what I can not have...but unlike in the states where my "wants" were so much more materialistic,  here my wants are more realistic.  I want a good day with a nice breeze.  I want to be healthy and not have my bones ache.  I want to see my kids.
The reality of the situation is this, the majority of my children had grown and gone on in their own lives.  It was rare that they called upon us.  They had their own concerns and their own lives and I wasn't a necessity as I had been in their childhood and I knew it....sometimes I just wish I was a necessity but then not only did they have to grow up but I did too.  I have to find my way back to myself and it's hard to do but being here helps.  The majority of the people here appreciate my creativity.  They like my art, they like us for who we are and I like that...now if I could only develop patience with the process of reclaiming myself.......
Have you ever wondered where you were headed, not knowing but knowing it was different from everyone else's expectations of yourself?