So, the one thing I promised myself is that I would be honest with myself about this blog. And sometimes it's hard to make myself sit down and actually write what's in my head because it isn't all fun and games and yet, I know in order to be myself I have to put sometimes the bad thoughts that run through my head down.
There are things I love about Belize and on most days I would say (more now so than ever) I was happy with the move here. You have to develop a deep sense of patience, not only with people and things but with the lifestyle itself. Things are slow to gain here which when something finally works and works right you have a good feeling. An example would be our truck....it's had it's endless fixes being done and I blame that on the condition of the vehicle (it's 14 years old and been through some rough northern winters with salt and snow and all) Our mechanic is a cheap worker (I had a fuel pump replaced and the gas tank replaced as well and all of this cost us less than $500 Belize which is $250 US) Most parts on the car are repaired rather than replaced because it's hard to get car parts in a third world country which makes the mechanics in this country a little more workable and not demanding of new parts every time you turn around so the cost is less and it's better on the environment. Currently there is a short somewhere in our electrical system and no one seems to be able to find it. It probably would take days to fix and I don't want to give up the vehicle while my daughter is visiting so I have to pick and choose. Since this short seems to only affect the lights we have chosen to delay getting the repair done but it's still not a hardship since we rarely go out about in the night. I have learned to deal with it.....
Another thing that I have learned to deal with is the toilet. Initially it was a small leak that would go onto the concrete floor but eventually it's turned into a freaking river. Charlie had tried so many times to fix it that it seems exhausting. Finally I've noticed there is a crack in the tank and I wonder at the longevity of it. It seems as though it had been there before but covered with epoxy. Since we are renting I don't want to buy a brand new one to the benefit of my landlord but I know for a fact that my landlord doesn't have any money right now to do the repair. We have been using a garden hose in the bathroom to pour water into the toilet to flush it so we don't have to deal with the water all over the floor but still, something you have to live with.
These little things do try the patience of anyone. And it has to be put in perspective. There were time in the states when I felt I had the patience of a saint when dealing with some of the IT issues that I had experienced in the office that would make my life "easier". I look back at those times and just recently had an IT issue down here and I don't have the patience for it. I ask myself why? Why have I lost the ability to deal with the issues that I used to spend hours upon hours dealing with in the states? Why am I so impatient with the things I used to be more patient with? And why am I blaming the country instead of putting the blame directly on the product?
Two of my wonderful daughters came down to see us for Christmas and I thought they would enjoy it for different reasons here. Emily got up the first day and went for a walk with her father and got to see the village and the people here and even though she is shy I think she understands the community better. Joan was bothered by the heat, it overwhelmed her. The bugs, the broken toilet and the tiny bathroom bothered her. The material things got to her. Joanie was so unhappy and caught me at a time when I felt the need to tell her there were times I hate it here. I was being honest...at that moment.......
I miss my kids terribly and would love to be closer to them to help them out when needed and it was especially hard when my eldest gifted the world with my granddaughter. I truly wanted to be near her to help her, unlike my mother who couldn't be there for me so many times and wanted to. I wanted to hold her hands and explain things as they happened since I seem to have been an expert in bearing kids, I have done it about 5 times myself.....
I was impatient with the system here that I have to pick and choose when I can come back to the states to see the girls because we are trying to get residency here. Residency is a benefit to us but it will try us terribly for the first year. We are only allowed so many consecutive days to leave the country otherwise we have to start all over again with a new year of paying the monthly visa's to earn that title. Charlie and I are trying very hard not to push the system....We are liked here in the village and we like the village a lot so far. The people can be all that is good and bad in ANY community, here or in the states...We would like to hold out for that.
There are quite a few expats down here like us, trying for residency and we all admit there are days you want to scream "I QUIT".....
Then there are days like today...The wind is blowing nicely and all I hear outside is the birds, the wind blowing off the lagoon, the fisherman as they fix the boat. The weather is wonderful today... The thought of the snow, coldness, wind and wetness of the states drives me to shivers...I know this is where I am meant to be...Do I want to see my girls? Yes. Would I love to have a ice cream sundae? Yes. I have to deal with what I can and what I can not have...but unlike in the states where my "wants" were so much more materialistic, here my wants are more realistic. I want a good day with a nice breeze. I want to be healthy and not have my bones ache. I want to see my kids.
The reality of the situation is this, the majority of my children had grown and gone on in their own lives. It was rare that they called upon us. They had their own concerns and their own lives and I wasn't a necessity as I had been in their childhood and I knew it....sometimes I just wish I was a necessity but then not only did they have to grow up but I did too. I have to find my way back to myself and it's hard to do but being here helps. The majority of the people here appreciate my creativity. They like my art, they like us for who we are and I like that...now if I could only develop patience with the process of reclaiming myself.......
Have you ever wondered where you were headed, not knowing but knowing it was different from everyone else's expectations of yourself?
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