Corozal.

Well, I guess it's time to update (Lord, where does the time go?) the blog...I feel really negligent in not attending to it as frequently as I wanted.   Here's the thing, we've added for a brief time period another person back into our day to day lifestyle (Welcome Em!) and moved again and started a whole new chapter.  I miss the village, not the bugs or the ferry or the problems with the internet or the lack of a sink in the kitchen, but the people, especially our friends at Copper Bank Inn, Dove & Phil.....But we do go back every Saturday and will continue to as long as the roads allow to help out on Saturdays and hopefully we will do a little more bar hopping in the upcoming weeks!!!(Thanks Phil, I needed that!)
So, the changes, the scenery (I don't have the lagoon at my front door), I have HOT water, a KITCHEN,Cable with HBO and other channels,  a fenced in yard, two really nice bathrooms, the bedrooms are bigger, there is a constant breeze where I live since I am "up the hill" from the bay.  I am now Out of the bedroom with my painting and into the main area, CJ is going through Orientation (this is his last week of it and then he's off for the summer, though College starts back up on August 26th...)a nice fenced in yard where we are starting to work towards a garden, an airy carport that we hope to create an outside living space, and some really nice neighbors.
There is a social atmosphere here in Corozal, most of the former residents of the States and Canada and England living here in Corozal meet at Jam Rock on Wednesdays and I've joined the group of women who play darts there on Wednesdays....it's fun and for a brief time period I feel as though I am just enjoying myself again and not working on Wednesday's breaks up the week....Most days I am spending my time with the housework (no, I didn't hire a maid like everyone else here does...) planning out and executing the menus is interesting because you never know for sure what you will find when you go to the market, painting and working on my book.  I am trying to start up an Artist's community since I found out about 4 new people have moved into our community and are painters and artisans and we have a lot to commiserate about, things that others don't think about such as how do I make my own canvases since you can't buy them here and what's the best way to get art supplies here?
I am still up in the air about Belize, believe it or not....most days I am fine but I miss seeing my children and my grandchildren.  I think that is the only thing that is really bothersome to me....I know that I could have a decent conversation with them now but they have gotten out of the habit of talking to me in the 9 months we lived in a bad area without any real way of talking.  And they are all so busy with their own lives now, too busy for a Mom so far away....I don't regret this move because it's taught not only me but CJ and Charlie some things.....Life is precious, too precious to spend the days in an office trying to fix other peoples problems and not enough time to grow up together.  You don't always need the best newest brightest next thing from the technological market and if you are lucky enough to get it you appreciate what you have more.  And a final thing is you are not so inclined to fret the small stuff....now if I could only get Em to slow down a little and quit feeling as though she needs to have her whole life planned without even knowing where she wants to go .....what did I do to my children?  I often wonder about that....did I encourage what society forced on them?  Did I make it so they had to PRODUCE without figuring out what it was they wanted to produce? Without figuring out who they were or what they wanted to be?  I find myself not wanting to fix their problems and issues now, I want nothing to do with the problems, I just want to be involved in their lives,....is this because of my move here or is it because I've reached an age where I just want to be me?  Or is it because I just want to enjoy what I have left of this precious gift of life?
I am sure things like my parents and Charlie's Dad's death played into how I perceive things....I am now not so focused on keeping up with things because I realize that things will and do go on with or without my input .I am more focused now on what I need to do to make this world a better place....and what things are truly important!!!
When Em got here she had some major issues going on....her glasses broke so I had to get them replaced which cost me $400 BZ ($200 US) and she had picked up in her first year of college something that had affected her intestine....I was amazed at how quickly her issues got resolved here by the doctor.  He saw her, requested some blood work and a stool sample, we took them in the next day to be analyzed and the Doctor saw us again that day and issued some medication and she is on her way to having some important problems resolved.....within a few days...the total cost of her care her was under $100 US....it would have cost us so much more than that in the States....
On most days I have everything I could ever want....except my grandchildren......life is good in Corozal!

You are lucky...

My mind  has been wandering lately, dreaming of the time when I will be reunited with my Girls and having a family celebration and I haven’t been up on writing…sometimes life gets so hard you wonder, who wants to know about your measly little problems compared to the big issues of Boston’s bombing or how there isn’t a budget or how people are being shot and killed for nothing….but then something struck me today and I think I need to voice it….

My nephew (I love him dearly) was posting on how he had to wait in line for 20 minutes for a part and how it was such a pain, to which a friend of his commiserated and piped in about getting a part for a garden tool that he needed to work on his garden….I was thinking about this for a long time because I do not want to come off as critical but here it is in a nutshell….YOU ARE LUCKY…..The people in Belize recycle because they have to, they have no choice. …If something breaks usually the expats that are my friends and I sit and look at each other and shake our heads…we know what comes next….First, let us see if they have something here that we can make do with to create a “part” that will work, or recycle something else that’s broken and see if that will work…if that doesn't work then they have to figure out who and when is someone going to Mexico and can they get the part without paying a fortune in customs, if that doesn't worry you too much you could order the part from the States, it usually takes (when you pay priority mail) 3-4 weeks without it….

And as far as the garden tool my nephews friend was complaining about, YOU ARE LUCKY…..most Belize ans here have one tool, I've seen them do amazing things with the machete…. I've seen them take down whole palm trees (large ones) a piece at a time, “chop” the lawn (Mowers are really expensive here), trim the bush, and sow the garden with a Machete……

I got up from reading this and went to do my wash….American Washers cost upwards of $2000 Bz so rather than buying that initially I started with a wash board…that was hard but exhilarating as I looked at the fresh laundry and knew it was clean…But I now have a “Chinese” washer….you put the wash in, fill it up with a hose and the machine with agitate it for you, of course, it only goes one way as compared to the washers in the States that go both ways, so every once in awhile I pull the wash up  down, then you drain all the soapy water out, as you drain you are also spraying your clothes to make sure you get all the soap out , then you can put it in the spinner part (separate from the washing container) and spin out all the soap, then you put it in the washer part again, but this time your doing a rinse cycle, drain, spray, spin and hang….it takes time….time for me to stand over the thing and do all this stuff….Thank God it isn't broken and I don’t need a new part…..

I know I picked this life, I knew it wasn't going to be easy….The week before last my husband talked to his sister and of all the questions she might have had the only one she asked was what do we do for fun?....Most people probably think we are down here drinking cervesa’s and spending our days sitting around but Charlie and I have developed a bit of a work routine, Charlie more so than I….(I cheat and have Facebook up on the side as I am writing or researching…or even painting) but we rarely do “fun” things…..we are more about living this life and trying to better our community, perhaps too much so…..

 But I have to say this for the people of Belize; they do work hard (when they work! LOL) and there may be times you run into a bad person, but I feel that is the same for any country or group of people….there are always ways that life could be improved….Too many people in the States do not realize how hard life can be.   These people have given me a sense of patience in dealing with issues, sometimes their stoicism is just the way they handle life’s ups and downs and how you have to roll with the punches, I just know that I am looking forward to a visit to the States, but I think I will probably be glad to come back……

Is it better to be in the new era?

I used to think that maybe the women in the 70’s had it all wrong.  That life was easier for a woman in the 50’s or 60’s because there wasn't the added complications of running the house, getting the kids taken care of and working a 9 to 5 job.  That while we had proven we could think just as well as a man we had turned the economy into relying on an extra paycheck and that meant that our children were being raised by others and we had less impact on the values placed on our children. I hated the rules that now established any child could point a finger at a parent and that parent would be rendered ineffective because they knew that some other person, a social worker, would make the decision on whether that parent was good enough or bad enough to continue on.

I felt as though children were being raised in a society that undervalued the parents and that as a parent I had to work harder to prove myself.  And then came the era of being a “soccer mom” , you know, those mothers who worked full time and then spent their evenings running around with their kids to girl/boy scouts, soccer, baseball, piano lessons, dance classes, extra learning centers and in between all the bull tried to teach their children values and then were feeding them MacDonalds because they had no time to prepare and clean up a family dinner.  I thought that if we went back to a younger and less influenced society, something less judgmental that it would be easier to raise children effectually.  Belize is like living in the 40’s or 50’s for women.

Women here stay at home with their children mostly.  If they work they are accountants, teachers, or clerks, not doctors, lawyers, or influential unless they are not “controlled “by men.  By that I mean that once they are married women usually are controlled.  I have talked to the men here that have the mentality that women are less than nothing and that nothing a woman has to say is worthwhile.  The educational system here is that you are required to go to school until you are 14, middle school years are enough and if you want to go farther you have to pay and pay for it.  High school is considered extra and so is University.  The mentality of the village life in Copper Bank is that their way is best and that it has always been this way and will never be any better.  Does that mean it’s a bad life?  I don’t know enough to sit in judgment of this.

But I am shocked by the behavior of some parents here but wonder, is it really all that bad?  It’s not uncommon in the village to see a 4 year old minding a 2 year old.  The 4 year old is usually walking down the street with their younger sibling teaching them the ways of the village life and how to navigate the roads and avoid bad dogs, bad drivers, and mud.  It re-enforces the 4 year old and they become more responsible as far as children go.  Today when Charlie went to pick up Richard, the little boy I've been taking care of , no one was around so he just took him.   When he came back he found out that the 3 year old was taking care of his 9 month old sister who was on a mattress on the floor in the back room.  I thought about the rules of our society, how we would have called 911 and proceeded with police and social workers and firemen showing up and telling the mother she was bad.  This woman works hard.   They have 9 children all together.  She has no electricity so she has to cook over a fire, she has to chop wood, she has to hand wash clothes every day, she has to make the meals fresh because there is no way to store food from one day to the next.  They have been raised by the village and the village mentality is that it’s acceptable to run to the store and leave your children in the care of children.  And there usually isn't any problems going on with it around here…but then?

The issue that bothers me more so is the lack of education.  I have been taking care of Richards wound but am afraid to tell her (contrary to Doctors orders as well) that the wound really needs fresh air.  Their floor is nothing but dirt and the wound is on his heel and even if he doesn't walk around (he is not supposed to) he will get dirt into it because there is no true way to prevent it.  If his mother had been educated in the care of the wound I am sure she would do what is necessary because he is one of her favorites.  You can see how much he has entranced me and I am sure this boy is bright because of the care his mother has given him.  But for a “Gringa” to tell them to do something contrary to the Doctor’s orders is not to be heard…they will do what the doctor or their granny tells them first….

I think that they would like a better life without the pressure that most Americans can put on them.  I was talking to a Belizean man about how he had gotten a work visa and he went to Denver Colorado to work.  He had been hired by a man to work for a year in Colorado and he was sent home earlier than the Mexican man because he knew English and could understand a bit of what was going on…at least that is what he told me.  He wondered at the people in the states and why they worked so much..I asked him what he meant and he told me that in the 6 months he had been there he never had a day off.  He worked every day and that they would bring in the meals for them but they had to pay for them and that he wondered why they worked so hard. I asked him when he was done how much money had he accumulated in the 6 months.  I thought that working all the time would have acquired quite a bit, he told me $600 Bz….that converts to $300 US.  I asked him if they charged him room and board and he told me that was why it was only $600 because they took off for the expense of food and bed.   I thought it must have been some jerk taking advantage of him and told him so.  His cousin in California wants him to give the States another chance but he is afraid.  He doesn’t want to go and have to work every day.  When I told him it was wrong he told me it was not a good idea to argue with his boss since his boss held his visa.  Wow…..

Last week I went into Orange Walk and was talking to one of the shop clerks there.  Now, Orange Walk is a busy suburb in Belize.  There are day trips that come in from the Caye’s so the educational level of the people in that town is a little higher than in my small village.  I was talking to a woman about how I was trying to re-learn my Spanish and needed to use it as much as possible and she said to me that she had a hard time learning it as well.  I was surprised because I thought most Belizean’s spoke Spanish to their children and then the child had to learn English in School.  She told me no, that she was raised to speak English and had to learn to speak Spanish in School.  She said that kind of life was only in the Villages and that the people of Belize truly wanted to be more educated and influenced by other societies.  I started to wonder if they truly did?

What are some of the things you wish you could change about our society?  Have we advanced so far that we might have lost something along the way?

A Purpose

To everything, turn turn, there is a season….I’ve been humming this in my head for about two days and I know what’s going on there.   Lately I have been struggling with “purpose”…..my husband and wonderful family has given me the ultimate of wonderful gifts, a time to do just what I want to do…and I am dissatisfied with it…why?  Because just lately I felt I have lacked a purpose…..

What is the purpose of painting a beautiful picture and hanging it on the wall?  It’s an expression of the soul in my humble opinion, but I often, after living the life of a paralegal question the purpose of my “soul”.   In San Pedro, while Emily was getting her deep stone massage, I was sitting at a table gazing out into the misty green blue waters and watching the distant waves and feeling that I was looking at this beautiful scenery and wondered why I had felt so dis-jointed with myself…why when everything seems to be going so well, I seem to have left kidney stones, illness, stress and problems behind me with the despair I had felt over the loss of my folks and Charlie’s Dad….but I still wondered what the heck was bothering me. 

I had a nice long conversation with Joel, a server in the restaurant that I was waiting in and it came to me in bits and pieces….I told him that (and rightfully so) the group of servers were all working together in a happy group and they had the beautiful scene right before them….what a wonderful life!  Watching them in this beautiful setting and wondering what worries they had behind the scenes….it was a passing thought but then it made me wonder at my own sardonic view point….Life can’t be just happy and expressive….People can’t always be happy.  The artist in me knows this to be true, you can’t see white without seeing black and if you look closely at anything that has white or black in them you will see shades of the opposing characters…hmmm.

So I struggle on a daily basis knowing that my past life did not fit me just right, it was a hard life even though, looking at the people and the lifestyle here in Belize, that most Belizeans would have enjoyed having the indoor plumbing, washing machines, microwaves, play stations, and cable they would probably have left that lifestyle shortly after.  My life before was hard though, it had so many people looking for me to help.  I was constantly being told what to do by my clients, by Charlie, by the kids.  They had no idea of how much my life was centered on just doing for them.  So much so that when I moved here and was told I could finally do the things I had always wanted to do I struggled with finding out me…..I was so lost with not being told that I needed to take care of someone else I had no idea how to handle it…

Here life is a struggle….you struggle to push back the jungle and keep the lawn the lawn, you struggle to get things fixed, like the plumbing or the waiting for parts or waiting for the cable to work or waiting for the internet to come back up.  You adjust to having a life where it isn’t always about the things you have or the things you want but the most basic of needs…..

I have been taking care of a little boy and I feel bad for him and his family but know that to try and help them wouldn’t help at all.  In my typical American mindset I believe that people if they want a better lifestyle should be able to work hard and get here.  There are so many forces to contend with in this world that as Americans we believe we are owed a better life just because of birth.  I look at this child and know that he is one of a family of 9, that the family knows no better and the mother keeps giving her husband what he wants because whether or not he is a good provider he is a husband and a husband has control here.  There are not enough men staying in Belize, they leave it because they think the good life is the American way…..

So, she bears 9 children and keeps the husband happy and the husband who actually is trying to make a better life is a fisherman.  The fishermen are told that they need to take the boats out only once a month even though to make ends meet the normal fisherman would go out 4 times a month.  The reasoning is that Belize counts on its tourist market and that most people come to view the sea life and the fishermen were taking that all away…..by fishing?

They live in a two room concrete box.  No indoor plumbing, no TV, no music, one child on top of the other in three small beds and a hammock.  The boys foot was further butchered by the hospital here, thinking they were doing the child a favor cut away all the dead skin thinking in their un knowledgeable way that the dead skin might hold disease instead of cleaning it well and letting it heal.  They have so little.  Yet, when I talk to the little boy he smiles at me and seems very happy.  Very adjusted to dealing with the idea that he can’t walk around for a bit.  So patient that I know as  I clean the wound with the hydrogen peroxide and see it foaming I know that he is in pain….I say to him “Richard, I am so sorry I have to hurt you” and this little 8 year old looks at me and smiles, he says “Don’t worry, Miss Brenda, tomorrow I will be better” and I feel so selfish in my thinking.

I am angry with myself because I don’t understand how to be free and to be creative and to be myself and this little boy puts it all in perspective…..it’s easy to be yourself when you set the bar at just being happy.    You don’t need internet, a deluxe washing machine, cable and lightning fast internet, you just need to be happy with what you have and what you set your goals to achieve.  I have a purpose….

Patience and me,....AGAIN!!!..

So, the one thing I promised myself is that I would be honest with myself about this blog.   And sometimes it's hard to make myself sit down and actually write what's in my head because it isn't all fun and games and yet, I know in order to be myself I have to put sometimes the bad thoughts that run through my head down.
There are things I love about Belize and on most days I would say (more now so than ever) I was happy with the move here.   You have to develop a deep sense of patience, not only with people and things but with the lifestyle itself.  Things are slow to gain here which when something finally works and works right you have a good feeling. An example would be our truck....it's had it's endless fixes being done and I blame that on the condition of the vehicle (it's 14 years old and been through some rough northern winters with salt and snow and all) Our mechanic is a cheap worker (I had a fuel pump replaced and the gas tank replaced as well and all of this cost us less than $500 Belize which is $250 US)  Most parts on the car are repaired rather than replaced because it's hard to get car parts in a third world country which makes the mechanics in this country a little more workable and not demanding of new parts every time you turn around so the cost is less and it's better on the environment.  Currently there is a short somewhere in our electrical system and no one seems to be able to find it.  It probably would take days to fix and I don't want to give up the vehicle while my daughter is visiting so I have to pick and choose.  Since this short seems to only affect the lights we have chosen to delay getting the repair done but it's still not a hardship since we rarely go out about in the night.  I have learned to deal with it.....
Another thing that I have learned to deal with is the toilet.  Initially it was a small leak that would go onto the concrete floor but eventually it's turned into a freaking river.  Charlie had tried so many times to fix it that it seems exhausting.  Finally I've noticed there is a crack in the tank and I wonder at the longevity of it.  It seems as though it had been there before but covered with epoxy.  Since we are renting I don't want to buy a brand new one to the benefit of my landlord but I know for a fact that my landlord doesn't have any money right now to do the repair.  We have been using a garden hose in the bathroom to pour water into the toilet to flush it so we don't have to deal with the water all over the floor but still, something you have to live with.

These little things do try the patience of anyone.  And it has to be put in perspective.  There were time in the states when I felt I had the patience of a saint when dealing with some of the IT issues that I had experienced in the office that would make my life "easier".   I look back at those times and just recently had an IT issue down here and I don't have the patience for it.  I ask myself why?  Why have I lost the ability to deal with the issues that I used to spend hours upon hours dealing with in the states?  Why am I so impatient with the things I used to be more patient with?  And why am I blaming the country instead of putting the blame directly on the product?
Two of my wonderful daughters came down to see us for Christmas and I thought they would enjoy it for different reasons here. Emily got up the first day and went for a walk with her father and got to see the village and the people here and even though she is shy I think she understands the community better.  Joan was bothered by the heat, it overwhelmed her.  The bugs, the broken toilet and the tiny bathroom bothered her.  The material things got to her.   Joanie was so unhappy and caught me at a time when I felt the need to tell her there were times I hate it here.  I was being honest...at that moment.......
I miss my kids terribly and would love to be closer to them to help them out when needed and it was especially hard when my eldest gifted the world with my granddaughter.  I truly wanted to be near her to help her, unlike my mother who couldn't be there for me so many times and wanted to. I wanted to hold her hands and explain things as they happened since I seem to have been an expert in bearing kids, I have done it about 5 times myself.....
I was impatient with the system here that I have to pick and choose when I can come back to the states to see the girls because we are trying to get residency here.  Residency is a benefit to us but it will try us terribly for the first year.  We are only allowed so many consecutive days to leave the country otherwise we have to start all over again with a new year of paying the monthly visa's to earn that title.  Charlie and I are trying very hard not to push the system....We are liked here in the village and we like the village a lot so far.  The people can be all that is good and bad in ANY community, here or in the states...We would like to hold out for that.
There are quite a few expats down here like us, trying for residency and we all admit there are days you want to scream "I QUIT".....
Then there are days like today...The wind is blowing nicely and all I hear outside is the birds, the wind blowing off the lagoon, the fisherman as they fix the boat.  The weather is wonderful today... The thought of the snow, coldness, wind and wetness of the states drives me to shivers...I know this is where I am meant to be...Do I want to see my girls?  Yes.  Would I love to have a ice cream sundae?  Yes.  I have to deal with what I can and what I can not have...but unlike in the states where my "wants" were so much more materialistic,  here my wants are more realistic.  I want a good day with a nice breeze.  I want to be healthy and not have my bones ache.  I want to see my kids.
The reality of the situation is this, the majority of my children had grown and gone on in their own lives.  It was rare that they called upon us.  They had their own concerns and their own lives and I wasn't a necessity as I had been in their childhood and I knew it....sometimes I just wish I was a necessity but then not only did they have to grow up but I did too.  I have to find my way back to myself and it's hard to do but being here helps.  The majority of the people here appreciate my creativity.  They like my art, they like us for who we are and I like that...now if I could only develop patience with the process of reclaiming myself.......
Have you ever wondered where you were headed, not knowing but knowing it was different from everyone else's expectations of yourself?

Lamainai

 Yesterday we all went to Lamainai, a Ruin that has over 800 “buildings” on it.  As the tour guide, Mr. Reyes explained, most Mayan Civilizations started with 13 buildings, one for each of the Gods within their beliefs, the son of the King was responsible for doing one building for each of their Gods and to beautify the buildings built by their fathers and grandfathers…till finally, at the location there is over 800 buildings, one of the biggest ruins there…It was taken over by vegetation and eventually the Spider Monkeys settled there.  It was amazing to look at the mostly covered mounds and realize underneath the mounds were buildings, some of them, the Jaguar Temple and the Ball court had been excavated and could be seen and even climbed upon…

This trip was one of the most amazing trips I had ever been on, the tour started on what the “English” named the New River but the Mayans had originally called “The River of Many Faces” which made sense since it runs 80 miles through Belize and actually goes up into parts of Guatemala….it was used as a means of transportation for the Mahogany wood Britain exported by floating the logs down the New River…The Mayan name for the river was more righteous since the people living here, Mexicans, Mayans, Garafuna, and the mixed races all used the river for transportation.  England in it’s typical fashion always decided what was best. They had landed on the country thinking they were going to Honduras and found out it wasn’t and named the small country the British Honduras and took the land away from the Mexicans.  He (Mr. Reyes) doesn’t say these things to you as he takes you down this river, he simply says the English did this, the Mayans did that and you can come up with your own conclusions if your mind is into it.

As you travel down the River to get to the ruins you slide along water that at times looks like glass, its shiny surface so smooth and tranquil, there are parts that are rough and you can see the flow of the river and feel the bumps as the boat hits them.  There are so many different types of vegetation, the Gumbo-limbo tree, the jackass bitters, the palms of Coconut, banana, and the flora of the country and the birds…the birds were wonderful.  The white heron as it takes off from the tree and flies silently by with its wings making small adjustments to glide so gracefully, a truly inspiring sight.  The blue heron, the Kingfisher with it’s bright red chest, the boat billed duck, and the most amazing birds with their beautiful noises.  And the Vultures..I thought about Shawn as the tour guide was telling us the Vulture was one of the top 10 in the world of Stench because of the acid within their stomachs.  They can eat things with diphtheria, typhoid and other diseases and because of the acid within their stomach can digest them without getting sick.  One of the birds we saw was over 5 feet tall and a huge wingspan, we were told it was bigger than an American Candor…It stood in the base of the bed and was graceful and tall.  There are these birds that are native to Belize that live on the Lily pads and sea grass that grows along side of the bank and you can see them walking along the pads like they are walking on water…..

Another Amazing thing about the ruins is that the stone isn’t native to the sight, it is brought in from other parts and put together with stucco made from the forest..Mr. Reyes explained that it took acres and acres of forest land to create the buildings that were there in order to make the stucco that held it together, and that didn’t count into how much it took just to build the foundation the buildings were on, that they didn’t believe in building on the forest floor but would build their streets and buildings up on a foundation to walk upon..Some of the information this descendant of a Mayan could give us was amazing.

After the tour through the ball court a family that had been on the tour with us came down to where Mr. Reyes and I had been talking and the father in a typical American tourist way was asking why the rest of the ruins had not been excavated and was told it was because the Belizean Government was Bankrupt..He then went on to question why the Belizean’s had not approached others such as colleges in the States to do this and I got into an argument with him….

Can you believe someone not seeing that they had had to fight to free themselves from the cruelties the British had put on them?  Britain had bleed the country dry and took their one major export and sucked it into its empire, this country is young, why would they want another country to come in and tell them how to do it? He then argued that it should be done and that money given for excavation wasn’t giving another country control and I responded by saying that any time money is involved there is always an issue of control.  But I was also thinking to myself why would you ask  the United States to do this thing? They are almost bankrupt themselves, spending way beyond their means to aid other countries that don’t appreciate it as it is….but are We any better than Britain?  We come in and demand that the country does things the way we want them to be….Maybe it’s just having been here a few months looking around and outside of myself I have seen other things that most Americans, in their eagerness to aid, don’t see.  That there is such a thing as God willed, if it was God’s will that the site was excavated completely, it would have happened by now and it’s such a good place to go see.  A place of peace and tranquility and Spider monkeys that howl like pre-historic creatures.  If you excavated this site, where would these wonderful monkeys go?  Where would these beautiful birds migrate to? 

The father said something to me about how I can’t equate what Great Britain had done to what the Americans could do and I calmly looked at him and said, “sorry, but you’re not projecting an image of security to them” and he asked me what I meant and I said “I’m not the one wearing a GB Cap on my head” and his son sniggered.   He took his hat off and looked at it, on the brim was the British flag and in typical American fashion he had the brand label on his clothes and it was a Great Britain cap on it…proving anyone can be brought…….

Reflections....

I had one of the worst moments ever on the 22nd of December....after being anxious all night and the excitement having built up to a peak I found out that my girls did not get to fly out of Buffalo making the rest of their subsequent travel plans dissolve in a heap.....I was beyond disappointed....I was hugely angry and ready to lash out and pack my bags and go back to the states to give some people a piece of my mind.... Incensed is a good descriptive word.....
I had been living among some of the calmest people I've ever met...I live in a village where the loudest noise you hear is the sound of fire crackers that the kids like to set off.  There is no loud cars rushing by, there are no angry people fighting, there are no loud shouts at each other it is, to say in Spanish, mas traquil..very quiet.   I enjoy this quiet village a lot
At the moment that I found out my kids were not going to make it on their planned departure I started wanting to cry and lash out.   Now there are things in Belize that could potentially drive you bonkers, things beyond your control and your ability to do anything about.  An excellent example would be the ferry from Copper Bank to Chenux was out making getting to Orchid Bay difficult at best.  It would be something that would drive anyone crazy because they would have to deal with the often difficult roads around here and making arrangements to do other things....Because these people here have no alternative other than to deal with life as it is they calmly accept something that as a US Citizen we would find unacceptable and would rant about...these people are stoic and accepting of many things....The States has been a mad house lately with people being so angry,  I can feel it all the way here.....I wonder how some of the people in the states would feel about some of the things we deal with here on a regular basis.....
It has pointed out something very vital to me, that the resiliency of the people here is so vast...their patience seems a humming type of thing, hidden behind their stoic faces but thriving ever so deeply...Their faith that God will find a plan and their dignity in the face of the adversity here is astounding, and a lesson to us all.

I passed out with anxiety and woke up and went onward in a kind of haze until the baptism...The Bishop in his booming voice reminded us that it wasn't Christmas yet...that Advent, the season we are actually in is a time of reflection and allowing God to go into our hearts....deep thinking on my part came up with how I had become "Obsessed" with having the perfect Christmas and hadn't done much reflecting on how God was working in my life...instead of looking at how my girls were safe in a hotel room I had forgotten the reason they were grounded had been unsafe conditions and that wasn't it better that we were safe?  Could I allow their absence to cut into allowing God his time?  Hadn't he already given me so much?
I think about how, as a people, the States have become the "I want it now" society..My wish is no longer I want it now, it's I want it when God deems it and safely....I think about how my daughter is ready to give birth and has been given so much grief about how big the baby is and how they want the baby out now, where is their patience?  Where is their belief that God has a plan and if the baby and the mother are safe then let God work this miracle of creation........
For this Christmas I have determined that it is time to put God in my heart and not let disappointment rule me....Thank you Copper Bank and God for this important lesson to this ole lady!!!