A Purpose

To everything, turn turn, there is a season….I’ve been humming this in my head for about two days and I know what’s going on there.   Lately I have been struggling with “purpose”…..my husband and wonderful family has given me the ultimate of wonderful gifts, a time to do just what I want to do…and I am dissatisfied with it…why?  Because just lately I felt I have lacked a purpose…..

What is the purpose of painting a beautiful picture and hanging it on the wall?  It’s an expression of the soul in my humble opinion, but I often, after living the life of a paralegal question the purpose of my “soul”.   In San Pedro, while Emily was getting her deep stone massage, I was sitting at a table gazing out into the misty green blue waters and watching the distant waves and feeling that I was looking at this beautiful scenery and wondered why I had felt so dis-jointed with myself…why when everything seems to be going so well, I seem to have left kidney stones, illness, stress and problems behind me with the despair I had felt over the loss of my folks and Charlie’s Dad….but I still wondered what the heck was bothering me. 

I had a nice long conversation with Joel, a server in the restaurant that I was waiting in and it came to me in bits and pieces….I told him that (and rightfully so) the group of servers were all working together in a happy group and they had the beautiful scene right before them….what a wonderful life!  Watching them in this beautiful setting and wondering what worries they had behind the scenes….it was a passing thought but then it made me wonder at my own sardonic view point….Life can’t be just happy and expressive….People can’t always be happy.  The artist in me knows this to be true, you can’t see white without seeing black and if you look closely at anything that has white or black in them you will see shades of the opposing characters…hmmm.

So I struggle on a daily basis knowing that my past life did not fit me just right, it was a hard life even though, looking at the people and the lifestyle here in Belize, that most Belizeans would have enjoyed having the indoor plumbing, washing machines, microwaves, play stations, and cable they would probably have left that lifestyle shortly after.  My life before was hard though, it had so many people looking for me to help.  I was constantly being told what to do by my clients, by Charlie, by the kids.  They had no idea of how much my life was centered on just doing for them.  So much so that when I moved here and was told I could finally do the things I had always wanted to do I struggled with finding out me…..I was so lost with not being told that I needed to take care of someone else I had no idea how to handle it…

Here life is a struggle….you struggle to push back the jungle and keep the lawn the lawn, you struggle to get things fixed, like the plumbing or the waiting for parts or waiting for the cable to work or waiting for the internet to come back up.  You adjust to having a life where it isn’t always about the things you have or the things you want but the most basic of needs…..

I have been taking care of a little boy and I feel bad for him and his family but know that to try and help them wouldn’t help at all.  In my typical American mindset I believe that people if they want a better lifestyle should be able to work hard and get here.  There are so many forces to contend with in this world that as Americans we believe we are owed a better life just because of birth.  I look at this child and know that he is one of a family of 9, that the family knows no better and the mother keeps giving her husband what he wants because whether or not he is a good provider he is a husband and a husband has control here.  There are not enough men staying in Belize, they leave it because they think the good life is the American way…..

So, she bears 9 children and keeps the husband happy and the husband who actually is trying to make a better life is a fisherman.  The fishermen are told that they need to take the boats out only once a month even though to make ends meet the normal fisherman would go out 4 times a month.  The reasoning is that Belize counts on its tourist market and that most people come to view the sea life and the fishermen were taking that all away…..by fishing?

They live in a two room concrete box.  No indoor plumbing, no TV, no music, one child on top of the other in three small beds and a hammock.  The boys foot was further butchered by the hospital here, thinking they were doing the child a favor cut away all the dead skin thinking in their un knowledgeable way that the dead skin might hold disease instead of cleaning it well and letting it heal.  They have so little.  Yet, when I talk to the little boy he smiles at me and seems very happy.  Very adjusted to dealing with the idea that he can’t walk around for a bit.  So patient that I know as  I clean the wound with the hydrogen peroxide and see it foaming I know that he is in pain….I say to him “Richard, I am so sorry I have to hurt you” and this little 8 year old looks at me and smiles, he says “Don’t worry, Miss Brenda, tomorrow I will be better” and I feel so selfish in my thinking.

I am angry with myself because I don’t understand how to be free and to be creative and to be myself and this little boy puts it all in perspective…..it’s easy to be yourself when you set the bar at just being happy.    You don’t need internet, a deluxe washing machine, cable and lightning fast internet, you just need to be happy with what you have and what you set your goals to achieve.  I have a purpose….

Patience and me,....AGAIN!!!..

So, the one thing I promised myself is that I would be honest with myself about this blog.   And sometimes it's hard to make myself sit down and actually write what's in my head because it isn't all fun and games and yet, I know in order to be myself I have to put sometimes the bad thoughts that run through my head down.
There are things I love about Belize and on most days I would say (more now so than ever) I was happy with the move here.   You have to develop a deep sense of patience, not only with people and things but with the lifestyle itself.  Things are slow to gain here which when something finally works and works right you have a good feeling. An example would be our truck....it's had it's endless fixes being done and I blame that on the condition of the vehicle (it's 14 years old and been through some rough northern winters with salt and snow and all) Our mechanic is a cheap worker (I had a fuel pump replaced and the gas tank replaced as well and all of this cost us less than $500 Belize which is $250 US)  Most parts on the car are repaired rather than replaced because it's hard to get car parts in a third world country which makes the mechanics in this country a little more workable and not demanding of new parts every time you turn around so the cost is less and it's better on the environment.  Currently there is a short somewhere in our electrical system and no one seems to be able to find it.  It probably would take days to fix and I don't want to give up the vehicle while my daughter is visiting so I have to pick and choose.  Since this short seems to only affect the lights we have chosen to delay getting the repair done but it's still not a hardship since we rarely go out about in the night.  I have learned to deal with it.....
Another thing that I have learned to deal with is the toilet.  Initially it was a small leak that would go onto the concrete floor but eventually it's turned into a freaking river.  Charlie had tried so many times to fix it that it seems exhausting.  Finally I've noticed there is a crack in the tank and I wonder at the longevity of it.  It seems as though it had been there before but covered with epoxy.  Since we are renting I don't want to buy a brand new one to the benefit of my landlord but I know for a fact that my landlord doesn't have any money right now to do the repair.  We have been using a garden hose in the bathroom to pour water into the toilet to flush it so we don't have to deal with the water all over the floor but still, something you have to live with.

These little things do try the patience of anyone.  And it has to be put in perspective.  There were time in the states when I felt I had the patience of a saint when dealing with some of the IT issues that I had experienced in the office that would make my life "easier".   I look back at those times and just recently had an IT issue down here and I don't have the patience for it.  I ask myself why?  Why have I lost the ability to deal with the issues that I used to spend hours upon hours dealing with in the states?  Why am I so impatient with the things I used to be more patient with?  And why am I blaming the country instead of putting the blame directly on the product?
Two of my wonderful daughters came down to see us for Christmas and I thought they would enjoy it for different reasons here. Emily got up the first day and went for a walk with her father and got to see the village and the people here and even though she is shy I think she understands the community better.  Joan was bothered by the heat, it overwhelmed her.  The bugs, the broken toilet and the tiny bathroom bothered her.  The material things got to her.   Joanie was so unhappy and caught me at a time when I felt the need to tell her there were times I hate it here.  I was being honest...at that moment.......
I miss my kids terribly and would love to be closer to them to help them out when needed and it was especially hard when my eldest gifted the world with my granddaughter.  I truly wanted to be near her to help her, unlike my mother who couldn't be there for me so many times and wanted to. I wanted to hold her hands and explain things as they happened since I seem to have been an expert in bearing kids, I have done it about 5 times myself.....
I was impatient with the system here that I have to pick and choose when I can come back to the states to see the girls because we are trying to get residency here.  Residency is a benefit to us but it will try us terribly for the first year.  We are only allowed so many consecutive days to leave the country otherwise we have to start all over again with a new year of paying the monthly visa's to earn that title.  Charlie and I are trying very hard not to push the system....We are liked here in the village and we like the village a lot so far.  The people can be all that is good and bad in ANY community, here or in the states...We would like to hold out for that.
There are quite a few expats down here like us, trying for residency and we all admit there are days you want to scream "I QUIT".....
Then there are days like today...The wind is blowing nicely and all I hear outside is the birds, the wind blowing off the lagoon, the fisherman as they fix the boat.  The weather is wonderful today... The thought of the snow, coldness, wind and wetness of the states drives me to shivers...I know this is where I am meant to be...Do I want to see my girls?  Yes.  Would I love to have a ice cream sundae?  Yes.  I have to deal with what I can and what I can not have...but unlike in the states where my "wants" were so much more materialistic,  here my wants are more realistic.  I want a good day with a nice breeze.  I want to be healthy and not have my bones ache.  I want to see my kids.
The reality of the situation is this, the majority of my children had grown and gone on in their own lives.  It was rare that they called upon us.  They had their own concerns and their own lives and I wasn't a necessity as I had been in their childhood and I knew it....sometimes I just wish I was a necessity but then not only did they have to grow up but I did too.  I have to find my way back to myself and it's hard to do but being here helps.  The majority of the people here appreciate my creativity.  They like my art, they like us for who we are and I like that...now if I could only develop patience with the process of reclaiming myself.......
Have you ever wondered where you were headed, not knowing but knowing it was different from everyone else's expectations of yourself?

Lamainai

 Yesterday we all went to Lamainai, a Ruin that has over 800 “buildings” on it.  As the tour guide, Mr. Reyes explained, most Mayan Civilizations started with 13 buildings, one for each of the Gods within their beliefs, the son of the King was responsible for doing one building for each of their Gods and to beautify the buildings built by their fathers and grandfathers…till finally, at the location there is over 800 buildings, one of the biggest ruins there…It was taken over by vegetation and eventually the Spider Monkeys settled there.  It was amazing to look at the mostly covered mounds and realize underneath the mounds were buildings, some of them, the Jaguar Temple and the Ball court had been excavated and could be seen and even climbed upon…

This trip was one of the most amazing trips I had ever been on, the tour started on what the “English” named the New River but the Mayans had originally called “The River of Many Faces” which made sense since it runs 80 miles through Belize and actually goes up into parts of Guatemala….it was used as a means of transportation for the Mahogany wood Britain exported by floating the logs down the New River…The Mayan name for the river was more righteous since the people living here, Mexicans, Mayans, Garafuna, and the mixed races all used the river for transportation.  England in it’s typical fashion always decided what was best. They had landed on the country thinking they were going to Honduras and found out it wasn’t and named the small country the British Honduras and took the land away from the Mexicans.  He (Mr. Reyes) doesn’t say these things to you as he takes you down this river, he simply says the English did this, the Mayans did that and you can come up with your own conclusions if your mind is into it.

As you travel down the River to get to the ruins you slide along water that at times looks like glass, its shiny surface so smooth and tranquil, there are parts that are rough and you can see the flow of the river and feel the bumps as the boat hits them.  There are so many different types of vegetation, the Gumbo-limbo tree, the jackass bitters, the palms of Coconut, banana, and the flora of the country and the birds…the birds were wonderful.  The white heron as it takes off from the tree and flies silently by with its wings making small adjustments to glide so gracefully, a truly inspiring sight.  The blue heron, the Kingfisher with it’s bright red chest, the boat billed duck, and the most amazing birds with their beautiful noises.  And the Vultures..I thought about Shawn as the tour guide was telling us the Vulture was one of the top 10 in the world of Stench because of the acid within their stomachs.  They can eat things with diphtheria, typhoid and other diseases and because of the acid within their stomach can digest them without getting sick.  One of the birds we saw was over 5 feet tall and a huge wingspan, we were told it was bigger than an American Candor…It stood in the base of the bed and was graceful and tall.  There are these birds that are native to Belize that live on the Lily pads and sea grass that grows along side of the bank and you can see them walking along the pads like they are walking on water…..

Another Amazing thing about the ruins is that the stone isn’t native to the sight, it is brought in from other parts and put together with stucco made from the forest..Mr. Reyes explained that it took acres and acres of forest land to create the buildings that were there in order to make the stucco that held it together, and that didn’t count into how much it took just to build the foundation the buildings were on, that they didn’t believe in building on the forest floor but would build their streets and buildings up on a foundation to walk upon..Some of the information this descendant of a Mayan could give us was amazing.

After the tour through the ball court a family that had been on the tour with us came down to where Mr. Reyes and I had been talking and the father in a typical American tourist way was asking why the rest of the ruins had not been excavated and was told it was because the Belizean Government was Bankrupt..He then went on to question why the Belizean’s had not approached others such as colleges in the States to do this and I got into an argument with him….

Can you believe someone not seeing that they had had to fight to free themselves from the cruelties the British had put on them?  Britain had bleed the country dry and took their one major export and sucked it into its empire, this country is young, why would they want another country to come in and tell them how to do it? He then argued that it should be done and that money given for excavation wasn’t giving another country control and I responded by saying that any time money is involved there is always an issue of control.  But I was also thinking to myself why would you ask  the United States to do this thing? They are almost bankrupt themselves, spending way beyond their means to aid other countries that don’t appreciate it as it is….but are We any better than Britain?  We come in and demand that the country does things the way we want them to be….Maybe it’s just having been here a few months looking around and outside of myself I have seen other things that most Americans, in their eagerness to aid, don’t see.  That there is such a thing as God willed, if it was God’s will that the site was excavated completely, it would have happened by now and it’s such a good place to go see.  A place of peace and tranquility and Spider monkeys that howl like pre-historic creatures.  If you excavated this site, where would these wonderful monkeys go?  Where would these beautiful birds migrate to? 

The father said something to me about how I can’t equate what Great Britain had done to what the Americans could do and I calmly looked at him and said, “sorry, but you’re not projecting an image of security to them” and he asked me what I meant and I said “I’m not the one wearing a GB Cap on my head” and his son sniggered.   He took his hat off and looked at it, on the brim was the British flag and in typical American fashion he had the brand label on his clothes and it was a Great Britain cap on it…proving anyone can be brought…….

Reflections....

I had one of the worst moments ever on the 22nd of December....after being anxious all night and the excitement having built up to a peak I found out that my girls did not get to fly out of Buffalo making the rest of their subsequent travel plans dissolve in a heap.....I was beyond disappointed....I was hugely angry and ready to lash out and pack my bags and go back to the states to give some people a piece of my mind.... Incensed is a good descriptive word.....
I had been living among some of the calmest people I've ever met...I live in a village where the loudest noise you hear is the sound of fire crackers that the kids like to set off.  There is no loud cars rushing by, there are no angry people fighting, there are no loud shouts at each other it is, to say in Spanish, mas traquil..very quiet.   I enjoy this quiet village a lot
At the moment that I found out my kids were not going to make it on their planned departure I started wanting to cry and lash out.   Now there are things in Belize that could potentially drive you bonkers, things beyond your control and your ability to do anything about.  An excellent example would be the ferry from Copper Bank to Chenux was out making getting to Orchid Bay difficult at best.  It would be something that would drive anyone crazy because they would have to deal with the often difficult roads around here and making arrangements to do other things....Because these people here have no alternative other than to deal with life as it is they calmly accept something that as a US Citizen we would find unacceptable and would rant about...these people are stoic and accepting of many things....The States has been a mad house lately with people being so angry,  I can feel it all the way here.....I wonder how some of the people in the states would feel about some of the things we deal with here on a regular basis.....
It has pointed out something very vital to me, that the resiliency of the people here is so vast...their patience seems a humming type of thing, hidden behind their stoic faces but thriving ever so deeply...Their faith that God will find a plan and their dignity in the face of the adversity here is astounding, and a lesson to us all.

I passed out with anxiety and woke up and went onward in a kind of haze until the baptism...The Bishop in his booming voice reminded us that it wasn't Christmas yet...that Advent, the season we are actually in is a time of reflection and allowing God to go into our hearts....deep thinking on my part came up with how I had become "Obsessed" with having the perfect Christmas and hadn't done much reflecting on how God was working in my life...instead of looking at how my girls were safe in a hotel room I had forgotten the reason they were grounded had been unsafe conditions and that wasn't it better that we were safe?  Could I allow their absence to cut into allowing God his time?  Hadn't he already given me so much?
I think about how, as a people, the States have become the "I want it now" society..My wish is no longer I want it now, it's I want it when God deems it and safely....I think about how my daughter is ready to give birth and has been given so much grief about how big the baby is and how they want the baby out now, where is their patience?  Where is their belief that God has a plan and if the baby and the mother are safe then let God work this miracle of creation........
For this Christmas I have determined that it is time to put God in my heart and not let disappointment rule me....Thank you Copper Bank and God for this important lesson to this ole lady!!!

Yesterday a couple of friends of ours decided to host a Christmas Party...there is this guy named Earl, he's a biker from the states and says he used to work in waste management (he was a prison guard) and he looks a lot like Santa does to these kids...he's not fat, he's not round, he's a sweet quiet kind of guy...In the states you might look at him and think he's dangerous but here, the kids seem to relate him to Santa...
The friends we've made here, Dove and Phil own Copperbank Inn.  They are like Charlie and I in that we don't want to be one of the "gringos" behind the gates that don't mingle and get to know the people that are here.  We are not here to start endowments or to change these peoples lives, we are here to enjoy them and if we can help we would like to make their lives a little easier.   It's not an easy life here, it requires a bit of work but it's something that you know that you have made a choice on a simpler lifestyle so you take the good with the bad....So, Dove decided to put out a Christmas party where all the kids got to meet Santa, get a picture of themselves with him and a cookie and/or candy cane was given to each of them.  We were late in starting but then it was amazing at how many kids did show up.  There was about 120 kids in this village and I think they all showed...and it was wonderful.
I am amazed though at how difficult some people find it to put themselves out there like Dove and Phil did and do something for this little community.  If you knew the history of Dove and Phil you would think it even more amazing but that's a story for another day,....They went all out and had pictures taken, gifted candy and cookies to these kids and the kids were just amazed by all of it.  They have so little here that something like that overwhelms them.  Some of the kids live in virtual shacks with no electric.  They have gotten by on that lifestyle and don't know they could have better so they are content.....
It makes me wonder at my own "content-ness".  I have so much and I am thankful for all that has been given to me,  my family, my kids, my husband and pets and friends and the materialistic things I have.  Sometimes I think about my lifestyle I had in New York and how it was about keeping up appearances and worrying about providing that new video game my daughters wanted or to have the money for the dance or singing classes.  As parents we all want to provide our kids with the best that we can.....I think about how after the party I came back to look at my internet and find out that 27 kids had died in Connecticut and how their parents probably wouldn't care right now what it took to provide those kids with what they wanted, they would just enjoy having them back for a small Christmas party like the one that Dove and Phil put on for the village kids and I wonder, are we so different after all?
Life in the states was hard too....It was mentally demanding as well as stressful to think about how we were going to keep up with the Jones and it makes me wonder if maybe the people here don't really have the right idea about life...it's not about what you have, it's about who you are and being content that maybe that is just fine.......Do you wish in this Holiday Season that life would slow down a bit so you could once again feel the power of the spirit of what made Christmas special to you?  Was it so much the gifts or was it the magic of the season that made it really special for you as a child?  Don't you think it would be great if you could go back to that time or see the magic of it shining on the face of the child in front of you as he told you he wanted a control car for Christmas and you know that his Dad the fisherman would do anything to get it for him for Christmas???  Isn't this what made us enjoy the wonder of it in our youth?.....hmmm

Conch Shells & Lobster

This afternoon our landlord, Roger, came over to give me a conch shell.  He is a fisherman and I had asked him the last time he went out what they did with the conch shells after they harvested the conch from them.   Conch is used in a lot of the recipes here, cerviche is a huge favorite… I am in love with conch shells, I think they are gorgeous with the creamy mother of pearl pink inside to the rough gyrations of colors on the outside and the horny tips they use for protection…to me it’s one of life’s great master pieces… I will include a picture of it on the blog…

As we went over and were talking to them and I am stumbling through my Spanish  (Roger’s wife Lolita’s English is as good as my Spanish so we can communicate very well)  and talking amongst ourselves we started to have a conversation with them and were talking to each other and Lolita spotted me talking to Charlie in Spanish and stated that he must be getting better at understanding Spanish….he said yes, he was picking it up here and there and it was then that she looked at me and said that he understood what I had said to him although he doesn’t speak Spanish.  Charlie was explaining to her that when we worked together in our office he never really had to say much, that we would communicate without saying much to each other….this is true, after being in an office together we had gotten good at reading each other’s thoughts without saying much…but to now do it in Spanish??

I had gotten a big compliment earlier this week from the Zapatoria in Corozal.  I came up to him and asked him if he had repaired my husband’s shoes and was describing Charlie to him and doing it all in Spanish (without even realizing it!) and my friend Donna was with me.  She just stared at me and then Benny (the Zapatoria or Shoe repairman) asked her in English how long she had been here.  Now, Donna got her residency about 3 months ago and has lived here for more than two years.  She answered him and then he looked at her and asked her when she was going to learn Spanish as well as I had….It was funny but until he said that I had not realized I was even talking to him in Spanish…I then told him I tried and that I had taken Spanish in high school….He looked at me and smiled and said even though it was supposed to be an English speaking country he was glad I was trying and that I spoke pretty well…hooray, maybe I will learn this language well enough some day to understand all the “signals” the Belizeans give each other.  You gotta hand it to them, they have learned both languages and switch back and forth fluently….

The nice thing about having a fisherman as a neighbor is that we had been doing some neighborly things for them and they paid us back today in abundance. ( at least in my humble opinion!)  Roger pulled out his chest with his catch and I got to see Conch, Crab legs (yes Emily, crab legs) Lobster, fish and octopus…..he told us to take what we wanted.  I made Charlie take some conch because I know how much he enjoyed a conch chowder that a friend of ours made here…he said it was very similar to the New England clam chowder and we took home some lobster…just because!!!

It kind of made my day though. Little things mean a lot more here than they did in the states.  Our truck is broke down again (fuel pump AGAIN) and although our mechanic  is a nice guy and a good mechanic (everyone speaks wonderfully of him, both gringos and Belizeans alike) it is a hassle.  But we are fortunate to have a bus line here.  A great many Women ride the bus while their husbands have the family vehicle (if there is a family vehicle) and I can imagine how hard it is to schedule doing something like going to the market when the kids come home for lunch generally…and the time is tight for anyone to fit in…so I like to give the people here rides if I know them and it doesn't hurt me too much…I might see someone from the village walking through the bush on the way to Corozal and will pick them up.  It’s hard sometimes to imagine a life without electricity but some of these people do not have electricity, they get by pretty well.  The majority of the Mayans still cook outside over an open fire and I can tell you that it makes sense to a certain extent because beans take forever to cook inside!

Think about your life as you know it, would it be so hard to live without electricity?  How well prepared would you be for survival without have that cable of power?  Is this a simple necessity and how well would you like to live on necessity only versus wants?

Tortillas and Chili

Last night we had a chili night and invited a local family to our house.  Their son, Cesar had been nice enough (granted he was drunk at the time) to invite us over to his house for his mother’s home made onion soup…..Escabeche ( SS-cab-e-che) with fried chicken.  It was unlike any onion soup I had ever had before and was very good.  At the time I said to them that we needed to have them over for Chili some night and they gave me a funny look.. I found out later that Chili to them meant the Chili pepper, like a seasoning and it didn’t occur to me that they never had thought of Chili con carne at all as a dish but as a seasoned meat.  (chili pepper with meat is the loose translation).

So we had invited the whole family over for dinner.  The family consists of Sarafina, Mario (parents) Cesar and his wife, Samuel and his wife, Sandra and her daughter, the daughter of Cesar, Julissa and then Sonria the daughter of Samuel….10 in total but Mario goes to bed early so he didn’t come and the youngest son that lives with him works at the sugar cane factory nights didn’t come either.  They all live in one house even though Cesar has his own house he wants to live near his Momma and that’s how these people are….. in total there was 12 at the table and we had Chili and salad (they loved my salad)

In the course of the night we were talking and I told them I wanted to know how to make the corn tortillas from scratch.   They had invited CJ to a birthday party the next day for Julissa who is turning 6 today and the mother, Sarafina told me if I came at 10 the next day she would teach me how to make corn tortillas.  Now, Sarafina is Mayan and does things the old Mayan way.  She cooks her rice and beans on a fire outside and the chicken is done the old Mayan way as well.  She is teaching all her daughter in laws (3 of them I think) how to cook and it was funny because the whole family gathered around to see if the Gringo could make a tortilla.  She explained that they had made the maize the day before,  that I could see it being done another time.  They take the corn and boil it in something she called Gata,  I think it was corn starch.  It must boil to a certain point, if it boils too long or has too much corn starch it will be almost a sour smell to it and be very yellow, you really want a more white maize.  After you boil the corn you grind it. They used to use a mortar and pestle type of method with a very round rock and an elongated stone bowl but the Chinese have brought them grinders and instead of using the old stone in the fire they now have a pan that they use that is flat.  The product that the Chinese sell here is something you would probably never see in the states, they would be allowed to sell their stuff because it’s too full of lead!

After the corn is ground it becomes doughy and is almost pasty.  You then roll it up into a ball and using plastic there are two methods to form the tortillas, the first by hand the old Mayan way, the other with the “Chinese” press.  The ones by hand are better but time consuming or as Sandra, the daughter puts it :  Mas facil.   More easier….  The shaping of the tortilla is an art and it must be practiced to learn the perfection of it.  The funny thing is that Sarafina is the mother and the chief cook.  She runs her kitchen tightly and has all the daughter in laws and the daughter doing exactly as she tells them to and they are all cooking different things at the same time but she is putting the whole thing together in the end so it becomes a fiesta.   I am now one of her students.  I feel like I was there on a tolerance test and I wasn't found wanting.  Although my tortillas look like something the kids made they are edible and we will see how well I do when Sandra comes to my house in a week or so to make beans.

In the interim I feel as though I have passed a major mark in acceptance. It is hard because they are really united family groups in this town and to be accepted is “mas deficil”  very difficult.  Have you ever wanted to be accepted by a group and knew that since you were the outsider you needed to pass the test?   How did you feel when you finally felt like you had made a step in the right direction?